Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
