WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The air taste purple.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
