Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't make out with my wife yet
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
