I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize