I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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