Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
