shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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