Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
