Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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