Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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