Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
