My sheets look like a crime scene.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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