Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
