I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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