great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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