I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
