why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
