his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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