How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
