If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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