I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
