I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
