Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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