i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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