You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
