Don't make out with my wife yet
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He did a backflip because drugs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
