how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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