Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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