I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
