I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
