FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
