a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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