By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
