I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
