I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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