More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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