WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
