I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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