Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
