This is not my ceiling
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
