So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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