My Higher Power is John Stamos
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
