Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize