Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
