Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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