Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
