It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
