Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
