So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
