No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
