oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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