I seem to have left my pride at pride
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
