I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
