if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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