He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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