Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
