well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
