We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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