Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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