I looked at my own cervix.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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