At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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