Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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